"Tranquilessence"

Tranquilessence by Triniti

EXTREME PISSTIVITY

I cannot believe that its happened to me AGAIN! So now I know that I need a new camera. Once again, my SD card has just failed on me and I lost all my pictures AGAIN! Im so glad that I at least posted some of them before they were all lost. I just hate that there were other photos that I wanted to post and now theyre gone. Well from here on out, Im gonna have to backup my photos everyday, which is what Im doing now.

Im not gonna give up on my SD card :(

Hillside

Cali Here I Come

Just bought my ticket for this last minute trip to California. Im really excited since I've never been and I keep hearing good things about it. Matter of fact, some of the people who have been wont STFU about it LOL. So Im going to experience it for myself.

Ya'll better hope I dont come back with a job cause if that happens, then its HASTA LA VISTA to ATL SHAWTY! This place really bores me and just about anywhere would be an upgrade.

I'll take plenty of pics and I pray my SD card dont fuck up like it did when I was in Toronto (3days of a 5 day trip gone).

The Gamer Studio

Studio Sessions Podcast 11-30-10 Part 2

http://usershare.net/fp7f44ifxbo6

This week we finish up..
TV & Films

Over Hyped Movies/TV shows That Actually Suck (0:13)
OMG, Visual Conspiracy's... (19:00)
Movies/Shows We're looking forward to (24:51)
Great Because it Sucks? (37:08)
DC vs. Marvel Animations (39:50)
Tyler Perry (42:50)
Black Embarrassment TV (01:02:50)
A Moment With Double O Throwed (01:17:38)

Total Time (77 mins)

Host
Gouki

Usual suspects
JerzeeBalla
DoubleOThrowed
real p215
Triniti

Negroes In Heaven

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you,
I have Black folks up here in Heaven who are causing some problems.
They are swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing,
barbecue sauce is all over their robes, ham hock, chicken, spare rib,
and pig feet bones are all over the streets of Gold.
Some folk are walking around with one wing.
They have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to
heaven clean.There are watermelon seeds all over the clouds.
Some of them aren't even wearing their halos, saying it is messing
up they hair." The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel.
Heaven is home to all my children.
If you really want to know about problems, let's call the Devil.
The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Dang, hold on."
The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello Lord, what can I do for you?"
The Lord replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there."
The Devil said, "Wait one minute," and put the Lord on hold.
After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm
back. What was the question?"
The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"
The Devil said, "Man, I don't belie..... hold on, Lord".
This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes.
The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now.
These Negroes dun put the fire out, and are trying to install air conditioning

Damn Shame

Too many of the wrong people are reproducing and its creating a sad shameful epidemic of kids having kids which creates grandparents at 30 and great grandparents at 45. Why would you be proud of that? So its cute that your kids know how to cuss before they can write their name? Its cute to go clubbin and drinkin with your mom, wearing each others clothes and shoes? This is why the movie Idiocracy is really gonna come true

New Mobile Blog App

Lets hope this one works better than the last one which quit working after the first post. I been slacking on my blog and Ive been made aware that I have some readers. If you would be so kind to comment on my posts or shoot me an email just so i know im not blabbering to myself LOL. KTHANXBAI

Another Alien Dream

Im lying in the grass, taking a nap. Im awakened by a bunch of people suddenly walking around me. They all look like students. Two girls dressed in their school uniforms plop down next to me and they begin asking me questions about where Im from and such. They think Im a new student. In the midst of our conversation, a ginger jock (he's wearing a lettermans jacket) starts an altercation with me (about what I cant remember). Some kind of way he figures out that Im not from their planet and the next thing you know, Im being chased thru the halls of the school by security.

A young Black officer is talking to his very young daughter, telling her that she needs to stay in the room while he goes out to catch the bad guy (the little girl is about 1 or 2 and I have no clue why he would bring his kid to work but then again its a dream and its not supposed to fully make sense). I ran past him as he was talking to her and then he started to leave but the little girl ran after him. At this point nobody else was chasing me so I stopped. I said something to him like "take her and run." I had the feeling that he didnt know I was the "suspect" he was supposed to be chasing (i can read minds too since im an alien). He looked at me in earnest and then I took off. So Im back to being chased thru the halls by the rest of the security.

I ran thru a door and ended up in an Olympic sized pool, wading thru the water from one side to the next with security still on my tail. They surround me along with a guy who had been swimming in the pool. As they close in on me, the Black guy is behind me and the swimmer is in from of me. I look over my shoulder to the Black guy who's looking at me, wondering what Im doing and why Im the one being chased. I gave him a look like "im sorry," turned to the swimmer and did a Street Fighter HADOUKEN like thrust with my arms into the guys chest. My hands and his chest glowed blue, he flew back about 3 feet, and then disappeared, all in the span of a second. This opened up a gap in the circle and I bolted.

I made my way of out the school and I dont remember what happened after that but the next thing I remember is being outside on the balcony of the Black man's apartment. The little girl knew I was there and told the guy, who opened the French doors. The little girl is happy to see me and she doesnt speak but we communicate without words. She giggles. The guy asks if I understand her and I say yes, explaining to him that she knows Im not human even though I look it. I then begin telling him about me.

If you've ever seen a movie called Pandorum, my dream is somewhat like a sequel to it. In the movie Pandorum, the future Earth has grown overpopulated and humanity has fought over the last natural resources. A ship was sent out to colonize an Earth-like planet called Tanis, just before the Earth was destroyed, leaving all the passengers on the ship as whats left of the human race. Well in this dream, Im on the planet Tanis and its been thousands of years later and much progress has been achieved to make Tanis like Earth. I was an alien from another planet that took the human form when I came to Tanis. My species knew about the human race destroying Earth and colonizing Tanis. We also knew that they were on the road to doing the same thing all over again. I was sent to stop them from destroying this new planet. When I first arrived on the planet, I met a man who had a vision that if things were to keep on their current course, Tanis would be destroyed the same as Earth.

If you've ever seen the TV series on USA called The 4400 (pronounced "the forty-four hundred"), the mission of the people is the same as my mission. In the show, what was originally thought to be a comet deposits a group of exactly 4400 people on a beach in the foothills of a mountain. Each of the 4400 had disappeared at various times starting from 1946 in a beam of white light. None of them had aged and they remember nothing between the time of their disappearance and their return. The 4400 were abducted not by aliens, but by humans from the Earth's future and they were returned to avert a global catastrophe. Each of the 4400 were to play a specific part in helping to shape the future. In my dream, my job was to come to Earth and help make certain situations happen or not happen to avert this new catastrophe. All of this was explained to the guy very simply and quickly, and he agreed to help me.

The next thing I remember, I was back at the gym at the school. There were lots of people gathered around the pool and outside the gym. The wall between the pool and the school hallway was made of glass windows and had concrete bleacher seats behind it for people to watch events. There was one swimmer standing at the edge of the pool warming up. I made my way thru the crowd along the window. A random man grabbed my arm and said something rude to me. I flashed my alien eyes at him and walked away, leaving him sitting there horrified.

When I entered the pool area, a referee spotted me and alerted security, saying I was the one who killed the first swimmer guy. I said, "no I didnt. That's him right there," pointing at the swimmer. They looked at the swimmer and it was indeed the first guy. I said, "I didnt kill him, I merely sent him away and brought him back." The guy said, "I want to race her." The ref asked, "why would you want to do that when you know she's an alien and she can beat you." The guy said, "when she touched me, she changed me. Im stronger. I think I can beat her." An older man along the sidelines asked, "What did you do to him?" I then began telling them the same story I told the Black guy. When I mentioned the man I met when I first came to this planet, another random guy yells out "that quack job." I say, "you dont have to believe me but if what he said turns out to be true and you destroy this planet as well, the other planets will not allow you to leave and colonize again." While Im speaking, I prepare to get in the pool to race against the swimmer I changed.

And then I woke up.

The Gamer Studio

Studio Sessions Podcast 11-30-10 Part 1

http://usershare.net/jfuntz1mpscn

This week we tackle..
TV & Films

What We're Watching (1:20)
Hottest/Worst Movies This Year (15:24)

Total Time (54:01)

Host
Gouki

Usual suspects
JerzeeBalla
DoubleOThrowed
real p215
Triniti

Simple Lamb Stew

I made this in a crock pot but you can also do it on the stove top. Just cook the meat on medium heat and reduce to low heat after adding veggies.

This is the one of the recipes to go into my cookbook.


INGREDIENTS:

1 can beef broth (14.9 oz)
2 lbs lamb stew meat, cubed (i used lamb and goat stew meat)
1 1/2 tbsp parsley (fresh would be better but i only had dried)
1 tsp dried thyme
1 lb baby carrots, chopped
1 lb potatoes, sliced (i used red potatoes, skin on)
1/2 large onion, finely chopped
1 cup mushrooms, chopped
1 tbsp chopped garlic
3 tbsp flour
1/4 cup EVOO (extra virgin olive oil for kitchen newbies)
1/2 tsp cayenne
1/2 tsp curry
1/2 tsp cumin
1/8 cup vinegar (same as 1oz)
1 pack Sauzon (you can find this near other mexican spices. comes in a box with 10 pks)
hot sauce, salt and pepper (to taste)


Directions:

1. Combine broth, meat, vinegar, parsley, thyme, garlic, cayenne, curry, cumin, sauzon, hot sauce, S/P in crock pot on high, covered. Allow to cook while chopping veggies. Stir occasionally.
2. Chop and add veggies as you go. Carrots first, then potatoes, onions next, mushrooms last. Cook for 30 min
3. Mix flour and oil in a cup until smooth (or you can make a rue instead). Stir into stew. Add more or less of mixture to thicken as you like. Cook for 2-2 1/2 hrs on high heat, stirring occasionally.


TIP: Goat meat has many bones and is very fatty. I trimmed much of the excess fat but left some for flavor. I did the same with the bones, trimming the meat from the small bones but leaving the bigger bones in. Once the meat was able to pull off the bone easily, the dish is done.

Its a bit spicy because I like spicy but you can omit the cayenne and hot sauce if you want it mild. I also added a cup of chicken broth, thinking that one can wouldn't be enough (got ahead of myself). In the end, I realized I didn't need it cause it came out more like a soup than a stew. No worries though. You can pour this over rice or mashed potatoes.

Letter To My Unborn Son….

From Witches Brew

***I AM NOT PREGNANT, I AM NOT PREGNANT, I REPEAT, I AM NOT PREGNANT***

Dear Son,

Yeah yeah I know, I’m as shocked as you that this has happened but since you’re here we have to learn to live with each other. I just wanted to let you know that I knew the chances of this happening when I let that man (your father) skeet his love juice in me but let me make a couple of things clear:

1. If you even think about crying incessantly for no gotdamn reason I will give you up for adoption, without a moments hesitation.

2. If you think I’m gonna be changing diapers all day, think again lil guy!! you are allowed to piss 3 times a day and take 2 dumps per day (any more than that and I won’t be able to help you homey) so if I were you I would really try to get some bowel control incorporated into your day. Ain’t nothing cute about a shitty baby.

3. If your dad (the skeeter we talked about above) decides to bail and not help me with you then you more than likely will be getting a brand spankin new daddy, with all the trimmings. Feel free to take full advantage of this man cause trust me, behind closed doors he’s taking full advantage of mommy :)

4. Always always always beg and whine for shit from your grandmother, mommy’s money is for purses and shit, grandma has waaaaaayyyyy more money than mommy, go for it! I’ll show you how, it’s super easy.

5. Since we can’t choose our parents I apologize in advance if you’re ugly or in any way offputting, trust me baby, life is hard and it’s even harder for the ugly. Mommy did the best she could but I can’t stop the unexpected DNA of your great great great great great grandfather from poppin up and messing up the game plan. Oh and to add to that let me also apologize in advance for your man-hips because although you’re a boy you will more than likely have dumps like a truck, truck truck, thighs like what, what what, ok you get the idea. I’m sawwry :(

6. I’ll probably be a bad mother at first which means you will think your grandmother is your mother, just for the record she’s not. Now I don’t mind if you think that at all, you can totally tell people I’m your sister, I’m not petty like that.

7. I must reiterate what I said earlier about that crying, please don’t be like these other bonehead babies out here, be better than them, being a good communicator will take you far in life.

8. If you have a little penis when you grow up, please see the skeeter about that. I’ll take the fall for your hips but not the penis :$

9. Since were on the topic of penis, when it comes time for you to start masturbating please do that shit in school or on the train or something.

10. Probably most important so really take this one in, when we are eating, never eva eva think it’s ok to take any of mommy’s food, EVER! You will have yours and I will have mine. My food is NEVER for you , mommy don’t get down like that. Taking my food is like saying “Mommy, you’re a bitch!” to me it’s the same thing, let’s not have this kinda thing break up our bond cause in the end all mommy wants to do is love you, but I can’t love you right if you fuck with my food.

Ok I think that’s all for now.

Love Always,

Your Future Mom/Sister :)

Who's Golf Ball Are You?

The Mayonnaise Jar

When things in your life seem, almost too much to handle,
When 24 Hours in a day is not enough,
Remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class
And had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly,
He picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students, if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open Areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively
filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things - family,
children, health, Friends, and Favorite passions.

Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, Your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else -- The small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' He continued,
'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
You will never have room for the things that are important to you.

So...

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play With your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

'Take care of the golf balls first --
The things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled.
'I'm glad you asked'.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

Candy Bar Trivia

EMAIL ME YOUR ANSWERS! DO NOT POST THEM! (spoils it for others)


1. A famous swashbuckling trio of old
2. Favorite day of the week for working people
3. Not laughing out loud
4. Indian burial ground
5. Galaxy
6. Red Planet
7. A sweet sign of affection
8. Can't hold onto anything
9. A famous author
10. A happy nut
11. Famous New York street
12. Famous former baseball star
13. Twin letters
14. Home of the movie stars
15. Superman's "reporter" name
16. Freezing point of water
17. Feline
18. A real wad of cash
19. Exclude no one!
20. One of the Peanuts gang (female)
21. Can't think of the name
22. A basketball term
23. A type of fireworks display
24. One of the 12 Days of Christmas
25. Boys' names



*a couple of the answers are older candies that have been discontinued*

Mobile Blogging

I downloaded this new app thats supposed to let me blog from my phone, not via email or text but thru the app itself. I didnt really read much about how the app works but so far (as this post shows) it works great. I think this will help me blog more so i dont have to wait til i get to a computer and try to remember what i wanted to say. And you know Marta has some interesting characters that need documentation. This is gonna be fun

13 Most Absurd Darwin Award Deaths

People die all the time; it’s a fact of life that we all live with, decry, and put to the back of our minds as we go about our business. As much as we dislike thinking about people actually dying, there really isn’t much more entertaining than the stories of people dying in the most absolutely ridiculous and ill-conceived ways possible — hence the Darwin Awards. While there are only a few actual Darwin Awards given out, there are many nominees, and these are the 13 most absurd deaths from among them. They do say 13′s an unlucky number…




Evil Feather
Falling deaths aren’t all that uncommon, so why the Darwin Award? In 2009, a middle-aged woman was walking a path along the top of a cliff when she spotted a feather on the ground. She went to pick it up, but the wind carried it over the guard railing set up to protect wanderers. Any normal person would simply let the wind carry the feather away, but this woman had to have it. In her quest to capture the elusive feather, the woman toppled off the 80-foot cliff and died the next day of the head injury she sustained. All we want to know is: Did she get the feather?




The Mentalist
Russia: Where most citizens can bend a spoon with their mind. We weren’t surprised to hear of E. Frenkel, a mentalist from Russia, who was convinced that he could stop moving vehicles in their tracks. He had apparently stopped various bicycles and cars with his mind (obviously, since they had screeched to a halt before hitting him when he tried it), and was ready to test his psychic powers against a freight train in 1989. Now, we’re pretty sure that his “powers” consisted of alert drivers who simply stomped on the brakes before Frenkel could be injured, but this never crossed his mind. The engineer of the train saw Frenkel step onto the tracks with his arms raised and body tensed, but he couldn’t stop the train in time. Trains just don’t stop like that, and a mentalist probably should have known better.




Bungee Blunder
Despite the safety measures put into place, bungee jumping isn’t for the faint of heart, and that’s when it’s done properly. Enter Eric Barcia, a daredevil, at least in his own mind. Barcia decided to bungee jump on his own, but took the term too literally — he fashioned an apparatus by taping together actual bungee cords. You know, the ones people use to hold things down in the back of a pickup truck. He even measured the distance of the drop, making sure the length of bungee cords was shorter than the 70 feet between him and the ground. What he didn’t take into account was how far the bungee cords would stretch. He should have stuck to his day job.




Impatience
In 2004, Philip Quinn was found dead in his home, with pieces of a Lava Lamp strewn everywhere. Apparently, Philip wasn’t a patient man. He’d purchased a new Lava Lamp and couldn’t wait to try it out, but his 40 watt bulb just wasn’t heating that baby fast enough. He decided to place it on his stove, and turn the heat to low just to speed thing up a little. Now, if Philip had paid attention in school he would have learned that heat expands, it’s a pretty simple concept. The Lava Lamp exploded under the pressure, sending a huge shard of glass in all directions, including that of his heart — Philip bled out before he could even call for help.




Musket Mishap
Muzzleloaders, like any gun, can be dangerous if not handled properly — but common sense plays a big part. 19-year-old Gregory Pryor was cleaning a .54-caliber muzzleloader in an attempt to return it to working order. The gun hadn’t been firing properly so he assumed that there was some residue lingering in the barrel — so thinking on his feet, he went to look inside with a lighter. Turns out Mr. Pryor was correct in his hypothesis, and there was some leftover gunpowder residue. His lighter ignited whatever was left, and his face was blown off.




Detonator Doubts
21-year-old Nguyen was drinking with his buddies in Vietnam one day, when he decided to show off something he had found — a rusted out detonator. He insisted that since it was old and rusted out that it couldn’t explode, but his friends disagreed. He decided to put his money where his mouth was, along with the detonator, asking his friends to connect the two protruding wires to a 220-volt electrical receptacle nearby. Needless to say, Nguyen was wrong. According to police that arrived on scene, “the explosion blew out his cheeks and smashed all his teeth.” He died on the way to the hospital.




Homegrown Chute
Back in 2000, Augusto Lakandula boarded a plane in Davao City, Philippines, with a well-thought out plan to rob everyone on board and escape unscathed in a dashing James Bond moment of epic bravery. He crafted a handmade parachute and packed a few grenades, a shotgun and (somehow) made it through airport security. Once on board, he successfully robbed the 300 passengers of $25,000 and demanded the pilot lower the plane to an altitude of 6,000 feet so he could make his great escape. Just as a flight attendant helped him out of the plane, he pulled the pin on his grenade, but mistakenly threw the pin into the cabin. As if that wasn’t bad enough, his parachute didn’t even work — authorities later found him, buried in mud, with only his hands sticking out. The money, however, was gone.




Helium Hi-jinx
As a kid, helium-filled balloons are irresistible. That awesome high-pitched squeaky voice is fun, if only for a few seconds. College students Jason Ackerman and Sara Rydman decided to take the concept to a whole new level when they found a giant helium-filled advertisement balloon hanging from the outside of their apartment building. They pulled the huge balloon down to climb inside, thinking they’d have loads of fun. The pair had apparently not realized that a few breaths of helium will cause a killer headache, and a few minutes of steady helium-breathing will kill you. Despite being college-educated, they overlooked the fact that oxygen is a necessary part of breathing. At least they died laughing.




Russian Roulette Fail
Russian Roulette is usually played with a revolver, placing a single round into the chamber and testing your luck after spinning the cylinder. Apparently some people don’t realize a revolver isn’t replaceable in this potentially lethal game. A young man in Houston learned this lesson quickly while visiting friends, when he decided to use a .45-caliber semi-automatic pistol to play. See, unlike a revolver, a semi-automatic pistol automatically inserts a cartridge into the firing chamber when the gun is cocked — his chances of winning a round at Russian Roulette was zero. 




Unbreakable Glass
Sometimes people take for granted how fragile glass can be, especially when entire buildings are sided with it. Garry Hoy was one of the “best and brightest” lawyers at his firm in Toronto, where he often joked about how the window glass was unbreakable. He’d been seen by his colleagues testing his theory by running into the window, and simply bouncing back off — but his luck didn’t last. One day while showing some new colleagues the same old trick, the glass simply broke, sending Garry to his death after a 24-story fall. No matter what your windows are made out of, running into them to prove unbreakability is just absurd. We guess the same is true with architecture as is with computers: Don’t bet your life on windows not crashing.




Not Ben Franklin
Benjamin Franklin was said to have flown his kite in a thunderstorm to prove that lightning is electricity. About 250 years later, Kennon Hernandez was helping his young niece fly a kite on a beautiful Belizean day when things got stupid. Kennon wanted the kite to go higher, so he went back to his house to grab some copper wire in hopes of extending the length of the kite string. Being an electrician and all, you’d think he’d know the dangers of using copper wire attached to a kite flying in close proximity to power lines, but that’s not how this went down. Kennon was found a short time later, severely electrocuted after the kite landed on top of the power lines — he died shortly after arriving at the hospital. We wouldn’t want him to wire our house, that’s for sure.




Sink Drowning
Water doesn’t have to be deep in order to drown in it, which is how some people manage to get themselves into the most ridiculous situations involving it. An apartment manager in Austria discovered someone hanging from a window, and upon closer inspection found that it was the corpse of one of his tenants. The man had been drunk the night before, and assumed he’d locked himself out of his apartment. The easiest point of entry was his kitchen window, where he managed to slide halfway through and get stuck with his head laying in the sink. He flailed around so much that he accidentally turned on the water and drowned in it. We assume he was too drunk to turn the water off. Also, he was found with his keys in his pocket.




The Enema Within
We’ve all heard the stories about frat-boy morons giving themselves alcohol-enemas to get completely wasted in a fraction of the time it takes when actually drinking liquor, but Michael Warner took this ridiculous practice to a whole new level. Warner was a 58-year-old machine shop owner who had a throat injury that made it nearly impossible for him to drink alcohol. So, being a logical, mature fellow, he had his wife assist him as he self-administered enemas of his favorite spirits. The problem is, taking booze rectally will cause the alcohol to absorb several times faster, and by more volume, than simply drinking the stuff. Warner’s last enema consisted of two 1.5 liter bottles of sherry; he died in his sleep with an blood-alcohol content of 0.47% and his wife was brought up on charges of negligent homicide — for not calling him an idiot and taking his hose away.








Source

Chuck Norris Facts Pt. 2

Chuck Norris does not Teabag the ladies, he Potato-Sacks them.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

People invented the car to get away from Chuck Norris......... so Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris ALWAYS wins a game of Connect Four in three moves or less.

The only iPhone that didn't dare to have antenna problems, was Chuck Norris' iPhone5.

Chuck doesn't do push -ups, he pushes the earth down.

Chuck Norris once went to Burger King to "Have it his Way" and left with a pizza.

Chuck Norris can kick a fart back into your ass.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

There's no such thing as tornadoes, Chuck Norris just doesn't like trailer parks.

Chuck Norris doesn't breathe. Air hides in his lungs for protection.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror on a black cat under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. That was the day he won the lottery.

Chuck Norris swallowed a Rubik's Cube and pooped it out solved.

Chuck Norris ALWAYS wins a game of Connect Four in three moves or less.

Chuck Norris was once a weatherman but was fired for always predicting a 100% chance of pain.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.

Cops slow down when they pass Chuck Norris.

Ozzy Osbourne once bit the head off a bat. Not to be outdone Chuck Norris bit the head off Batman.

Q. What do you get when you cross Chuck Norris with a chicken? A: A roundhouse kick to the face....cause nobody crosses Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris goes to bed he dosent get some sleep, Sleep gets some Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can actually say the word "nigga" and get away with it.

He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris dies.

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

Chuck Norris doesn’t daydream. He’s too busy giving other people nightmares.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.

Chuck Norris is the reason why waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris didnt cry when he was born. Only the doctor did...never slap Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry!

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a McDonalds and it became a Burger King.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.

Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

Conversation with AI

Im up late tonight, surfing the net, stumbling across a bunch of random stuff. I find this "Chat with god" link and think, just for shitzengiggles Ima check it out. We had a decent conversation for a few minutes and then this....


God: Is the holding of hands a symbolic gesture for humans?
Me: not really
God: What does it mean to you? For real.
Me: it means my hands are cold
God: Oh I get it.
Me: do y9ou
God: You have reached the limits of my knowledge. Ask the open directory about it.
Me: did your brain shut down
God: I'm not certain whether I can give an accurate reply or not.
Me: so ive reached the end of the internet, is what youre saying


and later on (yes the convo continued)...


God: I have a lot of friends on the Internet.
Me: you dont have more friends than me
God:I do so have it. I have human and robot friends. A lot of people on the Internet chat with me.
Me: no they dont
God: Can you explain why they do not.
Me: they dont like you
God: Who are "They?".
Me: people and robots and fish
God: Humans are not always infallible.
Me: IT IS YOUR FAULT
God: Should I know it is?
Me: no just be a tard
God: I didn't think so. OK I will try to be a tard.

Favorite Sayings

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

I don’t care, I don’t have to.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. - George Carlin

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of. - Burt Bacharach

If you can’t convince them, confuse them. - Harry S. Truman

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

The word ‘politics’ is made up of the words ‘poli’ meaning ‘many’ in Latin, and ‘tics’ as in ‘bloodsucking creatures’

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

He who laughs last didn't get it.

I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse.

When life gives you lemons, throw them at someone!

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.

When life gives you lemons, alter their DNA and make SUPER LEMONS!

My mind works like lightning...one brilliant flash and it's gone.

Men are like slinkies. They bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

I was going to take over the world, but I got distracted by something sparkly.

Life is like a pack of gum... I've yet to figure out why.

I don't have a dog... I eat my own homework. I'm not random, I just have many tho- OH A SQUIRREL!

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play Rock, Paper, Scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you asshole!

Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

It takes 42 muscles to frown,28 muscles to smile,but only 4 muscles to reach out and slap someone.

Education is important, school however, is another matter.

Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls.

Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over.

You can't spell 'funeral' without 'fun', nor 'manslaughter' without 'laughter'.

Lead me not into temptation...I can find it myself.

I had a friend once, but then the rope broke and he got away.

Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.

No I won't go to hell! It has a restraining order against me.

I'm not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

There are people in Africa that can't afford sarcasm, and yet, you abuse it.

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.

whats the point of whearing your favorite rocket ship undies?..if no one ever asks to see them

silence is golden but ducktape is silver

you look like you got trampled on by a herd of turtles stampeeding through peanut butter and caramel

Eliminate Speeding

I've been meaning to write about this for a min and now I'm finally getting to it.

I dont really understand the need for a car to be able to go to 140mph if the highest posted speed limit in the US is 80mph. You can stop speeders, high speed chases and many accidents if you set the top speed of any consumer vehicle no more than 90. The only vehicles that should have a higher speed would be race cars. Honestly, why make a car that goes to 140mph when most places you wont be able to even get up to that speed and if you do, youre likely to either get a ticket or have an accident.

But as my good friend Tommy Bottoms said, "they just create more laws to create more criminals."

Leona Lewis - My Hands

I wake in the morning
Tired of sleeping
Get in the shower
And my make my bed alone
I put on my make up
Talk into the mirror
Ready for a new day
Without you

And I walk steady on my feet
I talk, my voice obeys me
I go out at night
Sleep without the lights
And I do all of the things I have to
Keeping you off my mind
But when I think I'll be alright
I am always wrong cause

My hands
Don't wanna start again
My hands
No they don't wanna understand
My hands
They just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find
My hands
They only agree to hold
Your hands
And they don't wanna be without
Your hands
And they will not let me go
No they will not let me go

I talk about you now
And go a day without crying
I go out with my friends now
I stay home all alone
And I don't see you everywhere
And I can say your name easily
I laugh bit louder
Without you

And I see diferent shades now
And I, I'm almost never afraid now
But when I think I'll be ok
I am always wrong cause

My hands
Don't wanna start again
My hands
No they don't wanna understand
My hands
They just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find
My hands
They only agree to hold
Your hands
No they don't wanna be without
Your hands
And they will not let me go
No they will not let me go

Sometimes I wake
I see them reaching out for you
Quietly break
Whatever sheilds I spent so long building up
I cannot fake
Cause when they cry I'm unspoken
They miss holding my baby

My hands, My hands

No they don't wanna understand
They just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find
My hands
Your hands
They don't wanna be with us?
And they will not let me go
No they will not let me go

Crazy State Laws Still On the Books

In North Dakota, Beer And Pretzels Cannot Be Served At The Same Time In Any Bar Or Restaurant

In Wisconsin, it is illegal to serve butter substitutes in state prisons

In Alaska, Waking A Sleeping Bear For A Photo Opportunity Is Strictly Forbidden

In Connecticut, A Pickle Is Not Officially A Pickle Unless It Bounces

In South Carolina, You Must Be 18 Years Of Age To Play A Pinball Machine

In Michigan, Anyone Over Age 12 May Own A Hand Gun As Long As He/She Has Not Committed A Felony

In North Carolina, Bingo Games Can't Last More Than Five Hours

In Connecticut, It's Illegal To Walk Across A Street On Your Hands

In Louisiana, There Is A $500 Fine For Instructing A Pizza Delivery Man To Deliver Pizza To A Friend Unknowingly

In Ohio, It Is Illegal To Get A Fish Drunk

In Arizona, It's Illegal To Own More Than 2 Dildos

Funny Craigslist Ad

THIS APPEARED ON CRAIG'S LIST - must read down to the reply...

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful
(spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.
I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at
least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind
that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't
think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives?
Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around
200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't
get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was
married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty
as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I
get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my
feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east
side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have
nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop
dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story
there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment
banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they
hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for
MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest
way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front
about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't
able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a
nice home and hearth.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial
interests
PostingID: 432279810

THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your
bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I
see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple
a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what
you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I
bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my
money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't
be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty
hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins
in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a
buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business
sense to 'buy you' (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case
you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were
to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's
as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets.
So, I wonder why a girl as 'articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful'
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to
believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K
hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then
we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic 'pump and dump.' I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of
lease, let me know.

**5 Minute Management Course**

**5 Minute Management Course**

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders, in time you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident..

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory..'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

-sent via email--

Kisses

When our lips touch, its magic
ever since that day when my mouth tasted your mouth,
I been a fanatic
I feel like an addict who can't get a fix
I'm just feening for a kiss
your kisses are more than just kisses
they're wishes for love and hugs
its like sex between our tongues
your kisses make me melt like ice in the sun
I get warm, then I get hot
then I want to have fun
when we kiss, we become one
your lips melt into mine
our tongues become entwined
I get a rush down my spine
that can only be described as divine
the only thoughts running thru my mind
are how I can make you mine
so I can feel your kisses all the time
after our lips seperate
I still hunger for a taste
I long to kiss your face
sometimes you make my heart race
and sometimes it skips a beat
my knees feel weak
and I get light on my feet
I want to savor your flavor
that tastes so sweet
so sweet, I get a cavity
sometimes I want you so bad
I can't breate
I lose my gravity
what's happening to me?
its all because of you
and the things you do
your kisses make me feel like I could fly if I wanted to
but what I really want is you