Friday, March 21, 2014

If you can't listen, don't talk

I love my cousin and I want her to be happy. But I hate arguing with her the same things, usually relationships. And here we go again with another one.

She met this guy on New Years but I didn't find out about him until some time in February. What she told me about him didn't sit right with me. It sounded like he was feeding her BS excuses, but one thing she does is make excuses for him. Since I've never met him, I dont know what the truth is so I'm not trying to call him out. This is about her, my cousin.

This is the jist of what I told her: While he sounds like a nice guy, it's evident that he doesn't have time or resources to do and give you want you want, cause I know how you operate in relationships. It's fine to be friends with him but go check out other options while he gets himself together.

She never listens to advice but forever asks for it or asks for your opinion on the subject. Some weeks went by and then I see her post on FB saying they are official. I was happy when I saw the post because I thought finally dude came around. A few days later I gave her a call to talk to her about it, but she was with him. I said, that's all i need to know (she sounded really happy) and I'll just talk to her later. She called me a few days later and we talked about it. And it all went downhill from there.

These are some of the points I was trying to make to her:

1) If a guy likes you he will make time for you PERIOD! He will call, text, email, FB, tweet, instagram, SOMETHING! Doesn't matter how busy he is, if he really likes you, he'll make time not excuses.

Her response: he's getting better.

2) Every relationship starts with the "honeymoon phase" where everything is great. If you start on not so great terms or they have caused you multiple incidents of stress or grief, why oh why would you consider moving forward with them? Why would you get serious with someone who's upset you on several occasions and you've only known them for 2 months?

Her response: it's too late now (to break up) so she's gonna tuff it out.

3) You are not holding him accountable or punishing him for wrongs against you. Making it up to you is not punishment enough, especially if thats the most frequently used excuse to pacify you. And when he doesn't deliver on those make-it-up days, what, you just let him make those up too?

Her response: I always give people the benefit of the doubt. *rolling my eyes*

4) You were so desperate to be in a relationship that you are sacrificing your own morals and a piece of your happiness just to say "I got a man." How can you say you don't condone something, and in the same sentence follow up with sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do? You are compromising for him but it doesn't seem reciprocal.

Her response: more excuses (it's been so long since she's been in a relationship, she has to get back into the swing of things. Yes she was dead serious every time she said it in our conversation)

5) You not having a job is no excuse. Point blank period. It has nothing to do with the things he does or doesn't do.

Her response: more excuses

6) This guy is not your ideal mate nor will you be missing out on blessings, like some bird friend of yours said. If he was your ideal mate, you'd be in the "honeymoon phase" right now. He's causing you more stress than happiness, you're compromising for him more so than he is for you, most of your friends don't have anything positive to say about the relationship, and in spite of all that you think he's your knight in shining armor?

Her response: blah blah blah (more excuses) then back to #2 again

7) I've said this to her before and I have to keep saying it. Whatever issues this man has in life, if you decide you want to be with him you have to accept these issues. Meaning, don't complain about the same stuff he's doing now that he was doing when you meet him. You knew what it was and still got with him. So you have no right to complain. If you have a problem, don't go calling and telling everybody about it, cause it's YOUR problem that you CHOSE to have by being with him. You ask for advice but don't take it. You ask for opinions but then shoot them down. Stop telling people your business if you don't want to hear the response.

Her response: just let me do me

It's obvious you're not listening to my advice so how am I stopping you? You haven't listened to anybody when it comes to this dude (AFAIK) so you are definitely doing you. But doing you means making dumb decisions, complaining about it, not taking advice on how to fix it, and coming back to complain more about the same problem or a newly created problem from not following the advice you sought. So by all means, do you boo! Just remember #7 as you do.

Her response: ok (we'll see how long that lasts)

I really genuinely want my cousin to be happy. I just don't think this guy is right for her right now. He has too much going on in his life and she is very demanding. But I'm done with both of them for now. I hope he does get it together and I will be the first to apologize if he proves me wrong. If....

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My Own Personal Philosophy on Life

If it doesn't affect your health, you money, or directly hurt your family, you need not be concerned about it.

Eliminate unnecessary stress by focusing on the things that really matter.

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