Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
I don’t care, I don’t have to.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. - George Carlin
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of. - Burt Bacharach
If you can’t convince them, confuse them. - Harry S. Truman
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
The word ‘politics’ is made up of the words ‘poli’ meaning ‘many’ in Latin, and ‘tics’ as in ‘bloodsucking creatures’
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
He who laughs last didn't get it.
I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse.
When life gives you lemons, throw them at someone!
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
When life gives you lemons, alter their DNA and make SUPER LEMONS!
My mind works like lightning...one brilliant flash and it's gone.
Men are like slinkies. They bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.
I was going to take over the world, but I got distracted by something sparkly.
Life is like a pack of gum... I've yet to figure out why.
I don't have a dog... I eat my own homework. I'm not random, I just have many tho- OH A SQUIRREL!
I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play Rock, Paper, Scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you asshole!
Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
It takes 42 muscles to frown,28 muscles to smile,but only 4 muscles to reach out and slap someone.
Education is important, school however, is another matter.
Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls.
Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over.
You can't spell 'funeral' without 'fun', nor 'manslaughter' without 'laughter'.
Lead me not into temptation...I can find it myself.
I had a friend once, but then the rope broke and he got away.
Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.
No I won't go to hell! It has a restraining order against me.
I'm not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
There are people in Africa that can't afford sarcasm, and yet, you abuse it.
I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.
whats the point of whearing your favorite rocket ship undies?..if no one ever asks to see them
silence is golden but ducktape is silver
you look like you got trampled on by a herd of turtles stampeeding through peanut butter and caramel