Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Mobile Blogging
I downloaded this new app thats supposed to let me blog from my phone, not via email or text but thru the app itself. I didnt really read much about how the app works but so far (as this post shows) it works great. I think this will help me blog more so i dont have to wait til i get to a computer and try to remember what i wanted to say. And you know Marta has some interesting characters that need documentation. This is gonna be fun
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
13 Most Absurd Darwin Award Deaths
People die all the time; it’s a fact of life that we all live with, decry, and put to the back of our minds as we go about our business. As much as we dislike thinking about people actually dying, there really isn’t much more entertaining than the stories of people dying in the most absolutely ridiculous and ill-conceived ways possible — hence the Darwin Awards. While there are only a few actual Darwin Awards given out, there are many nominees, and these are the 13 most absurd deaths from among them. They do say 13′s an unlucky number…
Evil Feather
Falling deaths aren’t all that uncommon, so why the Darwin Award? In 2009, a middle-aged woman was walking a path along the top of a cliff when she spotted a feather on the ground. She went to pick it up, but the wind carried it over the guard railing set up to protect wanderers. Any normal person would simply let the wind carry the feather away, but this woman had to have it. In her quest to capture the elusive feather, the woman toppled off the 80-foot cliff and died the next day of the head injury she sustained. All we want to know is: Did she get the feather?
The Mentalist
Russia: Where most citizens can bend a spoon with their mind. We weren’t surprised to hear of E. Frenkel, a mentalist from Russia, who was convinced that he could stop moving vehicles in their tracks. He had apparently stopped various bicycles and cars with his mind (obviously, since they had screeched to a halt before hitting him when he tried it), and was ready to test his psychic powers against a freight train in 1989. Now, we’re pretty sure that his “powers” consisted of alert drivers who simply stomped on the brakes before Frenkel could be injured, but this never crossed his mind. The engineer of the train saw Frenkel step onto the tracks with his arms raised and body tensed, but he couldn’t stop the train in time. Trains just don’t stop like that, and a mentalist probably should have known better.
Bungee Blunder
Despite the safety measures put into place, bungee jumping isn’t for the faint of heart, and that’s when it’s done properly. Enter Eric Barcia, a daredevil, at least in his own mind. Barcia decided to bungee jump on his own, but took the term too literally — he fashioned an apparatus by taping together actual bungee cords. You know, the ones people use to hold things down in the back of a pickup truck. He even measured the distance of the drop, making sure the length of bungee cords was shorter than the 70 feet between him and the ground. What he didn’t take into account was how far the bungee cords would stretch. He should have stuck to his day job.
Impatience
In 2004, Philip Quinn was found dead in his home, with pieces of a Lava Lamp strewn everywhere. Apparently, Philip wasn’t a patient man. He’d purchased a new Lava Lamp and couldn’t wait to try it out, but his 40 watt bulb just wasn’t heating that baby fast enough. He decided to place it on his stove, and turn the heat to low just to speed thing up a little. Now, if Philip had paid attention in school he would have learned that heat expands, it’s a pretty simple concept. The Lava Lamp exploded under the pressure, sending a huge shard of glass in all directions, including that of his heart — Philip bled out before he could even call for help.
Musket Mishap
Muzzleloaders, like any gun, can be dangerous if not handled properly — but common sense plays a big part. 19-year-old Gregory Pryor was cleaning a .54-caliber muzzleloader in an attempt to return it to working order. The gun hadn’t been firing properly so he assumed that there was some residue lingering in the barrel — so thinking on his feet, he went to look inside with a lighter. Turns out Mr. Pryor was correct in his hypothesis, and there was some leftover gunpowder residue. His lighter ignited whatever was left, and his face was blown off.
Detonator Doubts
21-year-old Nguyen was drinking with his buddies in Vietnam one day, when he decided to show off something he had found — a rusted out detonator. He insisted that since it was old and rusted out that it couldn’t explode, but his friends disagreed. He decided to put his money where his mouth was, along with the detonator, asking his friends to connect the two protruding wires to a 220-volt electrical receptacle nearby. Needless to say, Nguyen was wrong. According to police that arrived on scene, “the explosion blew out his cheeks and smashed all his teeth.” He died on the way to the hospital.
Homegrown Chute
Back in 2000, Augusto Lakandula boarded a plane in Davao City, Philippines, with a well-thought out plan to rob everyone on board and escape unscathed in a dashing James Bond moment of epic bravery. He crafted a handmade parachute and packed a few grenades, a shotgun and (somehow) made it through airport security. Once on board, he successfully robbed the 300 passengers of $25,000 and demanded the pilot lower the plane to an altitude of 6,000 feet so he could make his great escape. Just as a flight attendant helped him out of the plane, he pulled the pin on his grenade, but mistakenly threw the pin into the cabin. As if that wasn’t bad enough, his parachute didn’t even work — authorities later found him, buried in mud, with only his hands sticking out. The money, however, was gone.
Helium Hi-jinx
As a kid, helium-filled balloons are irresistible. That awesome high-pitched squeaky voice is fun, if only for a few seconds. College students Jason Ackerman and Sara Rydman decided to take the concept to a whole new level when they found a giant helium-filled advertisement balloon hanging from the outside of their apartment building. They pulled the huge balloon down to climb inside, thinking they’d have loads of fun. The pair had apparently not realized that a few breaths of helium will cause a killer headache, and a few minutes of steady helium-breathing will kill you. Despite being college-educated, they overlooked the fact that oxygen is a necessary part of breathing. At least they died laughing.
Russian Roulette Fail
Russian Roulette is usually played with a revolver, placing a single round into the chamber and testing your luck after spinning the cylinder. Apparently some people don’t realize a revolver isn’t replaceable in this potentially lethal game. A young man in Houston learned this lesson quickly while visiting friends, when he decided to use a .45-caliber semi-automatic pistol to play. See, unlike a revolver, a semi-automatic pistol automatically inserts a cartridge into the firing chamber when the gun is cocked — his chances of winning a round at Russian Roulette was zero.
Unbreakable Glass
Sometimes people take for granted how fragile glass can be, especially when entire buildings are sided with it. Garry Hoy was one of the “best and brightest” lawyers at his firm in Toronto, where he often joked about how the window glass was unbreakable. He’d been seen by his colleagues testing his theory by running into the window, and simply bouncing back off — but his luck didn’t last. One day while showing some new colleagues the same old trick, the glass simply broke, sending Garry to his death after a 24-story fall. No matter what your windows are made out of, running into them to prove unbreakability is just absurd. We guess the same is true with architecture as is with computers: Don’t bet your life on windows not crashing.
Not Ben Franklin
Benjamin Franklin was said to have flown his kite in a thunderstorm to prove that lightning is electricity. About 250 years later, Kennon Hernandez was helping his young niece fly a kite on a beautiful Belizean day when things got stupid. Kennon wanted the kite to go higher, so he went back to his house to grab some copper wire in hopes of extending the length of the kite string. Being an electrician and all, you’d think he’d know the dangers of using copper wire attached to a kite flying in close proximity to power lines, but that’s not how this went down. Kennon was found a short time later, severely electrocuted after the kite landed on top of the power lines — he died shortly after arriving at the hospital. We wouldn’t want him to wire our house, that’s for sure.
Sink Drowning
Water doesn’t have to be deep in order to drown in it, which is how some people manage to get themselves into the most ridiculous situations involving it. An apartment manager in Austria discovered someone hanging from a window, and upon closer inspection found that it was the corpse of one of his tenants. The man had been drunk the night before, and assumed he’d locked himself out of his apartment. The easiest point of entry was his kitchen window, where he managed to slide halfway through and get stuck with his head laying in the sink. He flailed around so much that he accidentally turned on the water and drowned in it. We assume he was too drunk to turn the water off. Also, he was found with his keys in his pocket.
The Enema Within
We’ve all heard the stories about frat-boy morons giving themselves alcohol-enemas to get completely wasted in a fraction of the time it takes when actually drinking liquor, but Michael Warner took this ridiculous practice to a whole new level. Warner was a 58-year-old machine shop owner who had a throat injury that made it nearly impossible for him to drink alcohol. So, being a logical, mature fellow, he had his wife assist him as he self-administered enemas of his favorite spirits. The problem is, taking booze rectally will cause the alcohol to absorb several times faster, and by more volume, than simply drinking the stuff. Warner’s last enema consisted of two 1.5 liter bottles of sherry; he died in his sleep with an blood-alcohol content of 0.47% and his wife was brought up on charges of negligent homicide — for not calling him an idiot and taking his hose away.
Source
Evil Feather
Falling deaths aren’t all that uncommon, so why the Darwin Award? In 2009, a middle-aged woman was walking a path along the top of a cliff when she spotted a feather on the ground. She went to pick it up, but the wind carried it over the guard railing set up to protect wanderers. Any normal person would simply let the wind carry the feather away, but this woman had to have it. In her quest to capture the elusive feather, the woman toppled off the 80-foot cliff and died the next day of the head injury she sustained. All we want to know is: Did she get the feather?
The Mentalist
Russia: Where most citizens can bend a spoon with their mind. We weren’t surprised to hear of E. Frenkel, a mentalist from Russia, who was convinced that he could stop moving vehicles in their tracks. He had apparently stopped various bicycles and cars with his mind (obviously, since they had screeched to a halt before hitting him when he tried it), and was ready to test his psychic powers against a freight train in 1989. Now, we’re pretty sure that his “powers” consisted of alert drivers who simply stomped on the brakes before Frenkel could be injured, but this never crossed his mind. The engineer of the train saw Frenkel step onto the tracks with his arms raised and body tensed, but he couldn’t stop the train in time. Trains just don’t stop like that, and a mentalist probably should have known better.
Bungee Blunder
Despite the safety measures put into place, bungee jumping isn’t for the faint of heart, and that’s when it’s done properly. Enter Eric Barcia, a daredevil, at least in his own mind. Barcia decided to bungee jump on his own, but took the term too literally — he fashioned an apparatus by taping together actual bungee cords. You know, the ones people use to hold things down in the back of a pickup truck. He even measured the distance of the drop, making sure the length of bungee cords was shorter than the 70 feet between him and the ground. What he didn’t take into account was how far the bungee cords would stretch. He should have stuck to his day job.
Impatience
In 2004, Philip Quinn was found dead in his home, with pieces of a Lava Lamp strewn everywhere. Apparently, Philip wasn’t a patient man. He’d purchased a new Lava Lamp and couldn’t wait to try it out, but his 40 watt bulb just wasn’t heating that baby fast enough. He decided to place it on his stove, and turn the heat to low just to speed thing up a little. Now, if Philip had paid attention in school he would have learned that heat expands, it’s a pretty simple concept. The Lava Lamp exploded under the pressure, sending a huge shard of glass in all directions, including that of his heart — Philip bled out before he could even call for help.
Musket Mishap
Muzzleloaders, like any gun, can be dangerous if not handled properly — but common sense plays a big part. 19-year-old Gregory Pryor was cleaning a .54-caliber muzzleloader in an attempt to return it to working order. The gun hadn’t been firing properly so he assumed that there was some residue lingering in the barrel — so thinking on his feet, he went to look inside with a lighter. Turns out Mr. Pryor was correct in his hypothesis, and there was some leftover gunpowder residue. His lighter ignited whatever was left, and his face was blown off.
Detonator Doubts
21-year-old Nguyen was drinking with his buddies in Vietnam one day, when he decided to show off something he had found — a rusted out detonator. He insisted that since it was old and rusted out that it couldn’t explode, but his friends disagreed. He decided to put his money where his mouth was, along with the detonator, asking his friends to connect the two protruding wires to a 220-volt electrical receptacle nearby. Needless to say, Nguyen was wrong. According to police that arrived on scene, “the explosion blew out his cheeks and smashed all his teeth.” He died on the way to the hospital.
Homegrown Chute
Back in 2000, Augusto Lakandula boarded a plane in Davao City, Philippines, with a well-thought out plan to rob everyone on board and escape unscathed in a dashing James Bond moment of epic bravery. He crafted a handmade parachute and packed a few grenades, a shotgun and (somehow) made it through airport security. Once on board, he successfully robbed the 300 passengers of $25,000 and demanded the pilot lower the plane to an altitude of 6,000 feet so he could make his great escape. Just as a flight attendant helped him out of the plane, he pulled the pin on his grenade, but mistakenly threw the pin into the cabin. As if that wasn’t bad enough, his parachute didn’t even work — authorities later found him, buried in mud, with only his hands sticking out. The money, however, was gone.
Helium Hi-jinx
As a kid, helium-filled balloons are irresistible. That awesome high-pitched squeaky voice is fun, if only for a few seconds. College students Jason Ackerman and Sara Rydman decided to take the concept to a whole new level when they found a giant helium-filled advertisement balloon hanging from the outside of their apartment building. They pulled the huge balloon down to climb inside, thinking they’d have loads of fun. The pair had apparently not realized that a few breaths of helium will cause a killer headache, and a few minutes of steady helium-breathing will kill you. Despite being college-educated, they overlooked the fact that oxygen is a necessary part of breathing. At least they died laughing.
Russian Roulette Fail
Russian Roulette is usually played with a revolver, placing a single round into the chamber and testing your luck after spinning the cylinder. Apparently some people don’t realize a revolver isn’t replaceable in this potentially lethal game. A young man in Houston learned this lesson quickly while visiting friends, when he decided to use a .45-caliber semi-automatic pistol to play. See, unlike a revolver, a semi-automatic pistol automatically inserts a cartridge into the firing chamber when the gun is cocked — his chances of winning a round at Russian Roulette was zero.
Unbreakable Glass
Sometimes people take for granted how fragile glass can be, especially when entire buildings are sided with it. Garry Hoy was one of the “best and brightest” lawyers at his firm in Toronto, where he often joked about how the window glass was unbreakable. He’d been seen by his colleagues testing his theory by running into the window, and simply bouncing back off — but his luck didn’t last. One day while showing some new colleagues the same old trick, the glass simply broke, sending Garry to his death after a 24-story fall. No matter what your windows are made out of, running into them to prove unbreakability is just absurd. We guess the same is true with architecture as is with computers: Don’t bet your life on windows not crashing.
Not Ben Franklin
Benjamin Franklin was said to have flown his kite in a thunderstorm to prove that lightning is electricity. About 250 years later, Kennon Hernandez was helping his young niece fly a kite on a beautiful Belizean day when things got stupid. Kennon wanted the kite to go higher, so he went back to his house to grab some copper wire in hopes of extending the length of the kite string. Being an electrician and all, you’d think he’d know the dangers of using copper wire attached to a kite flying in close proximity to power lines, but that’s not how this went down. Kennon was found a short time later, severely electrocuted after the kite landed on top of the power lines — he died shortly after arriving at the hospital. We wouldn’t want him to wire our house, that’s for sure.
Sink Drowning
Water doesn’t have to be deep in order to drown in it, which is how some people manage to get themselves into the most ridiculous situations involving it. An apartment manager in Austria discovered someone hanging from a window, and upon closer inspection found that it was the corpse of one of his tenants. The man had been drunk the night before, and assumed he’d locked himself out of his apartment. The easiest point of entry was his kitchen window, where he managed to slide halfway through and get stuck with his head laying in the sink. He flailed around so much that he accidentally turned on the water and drowned in it. We assume he was too drunk to turn the water off. Also, he was found with his keys in his pocket.
The Enema Within
We’ve all heard the stories about frat-boy morons giving themselves alcohol-enemas to get completely wasted in a fraction of the time it takes when actually drinking liquor, but Michael Warner took this ridiculous practice to a whole new level. Warner was a 58-year-old machine shop owner who had a throat injury that made it nearly impossible for him to drink alcohol. So, being a logical, mature fellow, he had his wife assist him as he self-administered enemas of his favorite spirits. The problem is, taking booze rectally will cause the alcohol to absorb several times faster, and by more volume, than simply drinking the stuff. Warner’s last enema consisted of two 1.5 liter bottles of sherry; he died in his sleep with an blood-alcohol content of 0.47% and his wife was brought up on charges of negligent homicide — for not calling him an idiot and taking his hose away.
Source
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Chuck Norris Facts Pt. 2
Chuck Norris does not Teabag the ladies, he Potato-Sacks them.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
People invented the car to get away from Chuck Norris......... so Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris ALWAYS wins a game of Connect Four in three moves or less.
The only iPhone that didn't dare to have antenna problems, was Chuck Norris' iPhone5.
Chuck doesn't do push -ups, he pushes the earth down.
Chuck Norris once went to Burger King to "Have it his Way" and left with a pizza.
Chuck Norris can kick a fart back into your ass.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
There's no such thing as tornadoes, Chuck Norris just doesn't like trailer parks.
Chuck Norris doesn't breathe. Air hides in his lungs for protection.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror on a black cat under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. That was the day he won the lottery.
Chuck Norris swallowed a Rubik's Cube and pooped it out solved.
Chuck Norris ALWAYS wins a game of Connect Four in three moves or less.
Chuck Norris was once a weatherman but was fired for always predicting a 100% chance of pain.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.
Cops slow down when they pass Chuck Norris.
Ozzy Osbourne once bit the head off a bat. Not to be outdone Chuck Norris bit the head off Batman.
Q. What do you get when you cross Chuck Norris with a chicken? A: A roundhouse kick to the face....cause nobody crosses Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris goes to bed he dosent get some sleep, Sleep gets some Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can actually say the word "nigga" and get away with it.
He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris dies.
Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
Chuck Norris doesn’t daydream. He’s too busy giving other people nightmares.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.
Chuck Norris is the reason why waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris didnt cry when he was born. Only the doctor did...never slap Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry!
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a McDonalds and it became a Burger King.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.
Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
People invented the car to get away from Chuck Norris......... so Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris ALWAYS wins a game of Connect Four in three moves or less.
The only iPhone that didn't dare to have antenna problems, was Chuck Norris' iPhone5.
Chuck doesn't do push -ups, he pushes the earth down.
Chuck Norris once went to Burger King to "Have it his Way" and left with a pizza.
Chuck Norris can kick a fart back into your ass.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
There's no such thing as tornadoes, Chuck Norris just doesn't like trailer parks.
Chuck Norris doesn't breathe. Air hides in his lungs for protection.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror on a black cat under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. That was the day he won the lottery.
Chuck Norris swallowed a Rubik's Cube and pooped it out solved.
Chuck Norris ALWAYS wins a game of Connect Four in three moves or less.
Chuck Norris was once a weatherman but was fired for always predicting a 100% chance of pain.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.
Cops slow down when they pass Chuck Norris.
Ozzy Osbourne once bit the head off a bat. Not to be outdone Chuck Norris bit the head off Batman.
Q. What do you get when you cross Chuck Norris with a chicken? A: A roundhouse kick to the face....cause nobody crosses Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris goes to bed he dosent get some sleep, Sleep gets some Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can actually say the word "nigga" and get away with it.
He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris dies.
Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
Chuck Norris doesn’t daydream. He’s too busy giving other people nightmares.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.
Chuck Norris is the reason why waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris didnt cry when he was born. Only the doctor did...never slap Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry!
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a McDonalds and it became a Burger King.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.
Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Conversation with AI
Im up late tonight, surfing the net, stumbling across a bunch of random stuff. I find this "Chat with god" link and think, just for shitzengiggles Ima check it out. We had a decent conversation for a few minutes and then this....
God: Is the holding of hands a symbolic gesture for humans?
Me: not really
God: What does it mean to you? For real.
Me: it means my hands are cold
God: Oh I get it.
Me: do y9ou
God: You have reached the limits of my knowledge. Ask the open directory about it.
Me: did your brain shut down
God: I'm not certain whether I can give an accurate reply or not.
Me: so ive reached the end of the internet, is what youre saying
and later on (yes the convo continued)...
God: I have a lot of friends on the Internet.
Me: you dont have more friends than me
God:I do so have it. I have human and robot friends. A lot of people on the Internet chat with me.
Me: no they dont
God: Can you explain why they do not.
Me: they dont like you
God: Who are "They?".
Me: people and robots and fish
God: Humans are not always infallible.
Me: IT IS YOUR FAULT
God: Should I know it is?
Me: no just be a tard
God: I didn't think so. OK I will try to be a tard.
God: Is the holding of hands a symbolic gesture for humans?
Me: not really
God: What does it mean to you? For real.
Me: it means my hands are cold
God: Oh I get it.
Me: do y9ou
God: You have reached the limits of my knowledge. Ask the open directory about it.
Me: did your brain shut down
God: I'm not certain whether I can give an accurate reply or not.
Me: so ive reached the end of the internet, is what youre saying
and later on (yes the convo continued)...
God: I have a lot of friends on the Internet.
Me: you dont have more friends than me
God:I do so have it. I have human and robot friends. A lot of people on the Internet chat with me.
Me: no they dont
God: Can you explain why they do not.
Me: they dont like you
God: Who are "They?".
Me: people and robots and fish
God: Humans are not always infallible.
Me: IT IS YOUR FAULT
God: Should I know it is?
Me: no just be a tard
God: I didn't think so. OK I will try to be a tard.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Favorite Sayings
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
I don’t care, I don’t have to.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. - George Carlin
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of. - Burt Bacharach
If you can’t convince them, confuse them. - Harry S. Truman
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
The word ‘politics’ is made up of the words ‘poli’ meaning ‘many’ in Latin, and ‘tics’ as in ‘bloodsucking creatures’
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
He who laughs last didn't get it.
I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse.
When life gives you lemons, throw them at someone!
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
When life gives you lemons, alter their DNA and make SUPER LEMONS!
My mind works like lightning...one brilliant flash and it's gone.
Men are like slinkies. They bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.
I was going to take over the world, but I got distracted by something sparkly.
Life is like a pack of gum... I've yet to figure out why.
I don't have a dog... I eat my own homework. I'm not random, I just have many tho- OH A SQUIRREL!
I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play Rock, Paper, Scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you asshole!
Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
It takes 42 muscles to frown,28 muscles to smile,but only 4 muscles to reach out and slap someone.
Education is important, school however, is another matter.
Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls.
Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over.
You can't spell 'funeral' without 'fun', nor 'manslaughter' without 'laughter'.
Lead me not into temptation...I can find it myself.
I had a friend once, but then the rope broke and he got away.
Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.
No I won't go to hell! It has a restraining order against me.
I'm not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
There are people in Africa that can't afford sarcasm, and yet, you abuse it.
I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.
whats the point of whearing your favorite rocket ship undies?..if no one ever asks to see them
silence is golden but ducktape is silver
you look like you got trampled on by a herd of turtles stampeeding through peanut butter and caramel
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
I don’t care, I don’t have to.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. - George Carlin
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of. - Burt Bacharach
If you can’t convince them, confuse them. - Harry S. Truman
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
The word ‘politics’ is made up of the words ‘poli’ meaning ‘many’ in Latin, and ‘tics’ as in ‘bloodsucking creatures’
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
He who laughs last didn't get it.
I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse.
When life gives you lemons, throw them at someone!
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
When life gives you lemons, alter their DNA and make SUPER LEMONS!
My mind works like lightning...one brilliant flash and it's gone.
Men are like slinkies. They bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.
I was going to take over the world, but I got distracted by something sparkly.
Life is like a pack of gum... I've yet to figure out why.
I don't have a dog... I eat my own homework. I'm not random, I just have many tho- OH A SQUIRREL!
I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play Rock, Paper, Scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you asshole!
Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
It takes 42 muscles to frown,28 muscles to smile,but only 4 muscles to reach out and slap someone.
Education is important, school however, is another matter.
Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls.
Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over.
You can't spell 'funeral' without 'fun', nor 'manslaughter' without 'laughter'.
Lead me not into temptation...I can find it myself.
I had a friend once, but then the rope broke and he got away.
Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.
No I won't go to hell! It has a restraining order against me.
I'm not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
There are people in Africa that can't afford sarcasm, and yet, you abuse it.
I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.
whats the point of whearing your favorite rocket ship undies?..if no one ever asks to see them
silence is golden but ducktape is silver
you look like you got trampled on by a herd of turtles stampeeding through peanut butter and caramel
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Eliminate Speeding
I've been meaning to write about this for a min and now I'm finally getting to it.
I dont really understand the need for a car to be able to go to 140mph if the highest posted speed limit in the US is 80mph. You can stop speeders, high speed chases and many accidents if you set the top speed of any consumer vehicle no more than 90. The only vehicles that should have a higher speed would be race cars. Honestly, why make a car that goes to 140mph when most places you wont be able to even get up to that speed and if you do, youre likely to either get a ticket or have an accident.
But as my good friend Tommy Bottoms said, "they just create more laws to create more criminals."
I dont really understand the need for a car to be able to go to 140mph if the highest posted speed limit in the US is 80mph. You can stop speeders, high speed chases and many accidents if you set the top speed of any consumer vehicle no more than 90. The only vehicles that should have a higher speed would be race cars. Honestly, why make a car that goes to 140mph when most places you wont be able to even get up to that speed and if you do, youre likely to either get a ticket or have an accident.
But as my good friend Tommy Bottoms said, "they just create more laws to create more criminals."
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Leona Lewis - My Hands
I wake in the morning
Tired of sleeping
Get in the shower
And my make my bed alone
I put on my make up
Talk into the mirror
Ready for a new day
Without you
And I walk steady on my feet
I talk, my voice obeys me
I go out at night
Sleep without the lights
And I do all of the things I have to
Keeping you off my mind
But when I think I'll be alright
I am always wrong cause
My hands
Don't wanna start again
My hands
No they don't wanna understand
My hands
They just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find
My hands
They only agree to hold
Your hands
And they don't wanna be without
Your hands
And they will not let me go
No they will not let me go
I talk about you now
And go a day without crying
I go out with my friends now
I stay home all alone
And I don't see you everywhere
And I can say your name easily
I laugh bit louder
Without you
And I see diferent shades now
And I, I'm almost never afraid now
But when I think I'll be ok
I am always wrong cause
My hands
Don't wanna start again
My hands
No they don't wanna understand
My hands
They just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find
My hands
They only agree to hold
Your hands
No they don't wanna be without
Your hands
And they will not let me go
No they will not let me go
Sometimes I wake
I see them reaching out for you
Quietly break
Whatever sheilds I spent so long building up
I cannot fake
Cause when they cry I'm unspoken
They miss holding my baby
My hands, My hands
No they don't wanna understand
They just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find
My hands
Your hands
They don't wanna be with us?
And they will not let me go
No they will not let me go
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Crazy State Laws Still On the Books
In North Dakota, Beer And Pretzels Cannot Be Served At The Same Time In Any Bar Or Restaurant
In Wisconsin, it is illegal to serve butter substitutes in state prisons
In Alaska, Waking A Sleeping Bear For A Photo Opportunity Is Strictly Forbidden
In Connecticut, A Pickle Is Not Officially A Pickle Unless It Bounces
In South Carolina, You Must Be 18 Years Of Age To Play A Pinball Machine
In Michigan, Anyone Over Age 12 May Own A Hand Gun As Long As He/She Has Not Committed A Felony
In North Carolina, Bingo Games Can't Last More Than Five Hours
In Connecticut, It's Illegal To Walk Across A Street On Your Hands
In Louisiana, There Is A $500 Fine For Instructing A Pizza Delivery Man To Deliver Pizza To A Friend Unknowingly
In Ohio, It Is Illegal To Get A Fish Drunk
In Arizona, It's Illegal To Own More Than 2 Dildos
In Wisconsin, it is illegal to serve butter substitutes in state prisons
In Alaska, Waking A Sleeping Bear For A Photo Opportunity Is Strictly Forbidden
In Connecticut, A Pickle Is Not Officially A Pickle Unless It Bounces
In South Carolina, You Must Be 18 Years Of Age To Play A Pinball Machine
In Michigan, Anyone Over Age 12 May Own A Hand Gun As Long As He/She Has Not Committed A Felony
In North Carolina, Bingo Games Can't Last More Than Five Hours
In Connecticut, It's Illegal To Walk Across A Street On Your Hands
In Louisiana, There Is A $500 Fine For Instructing A Pizza Delivery Man To Deliver Pizza To A Friend Unknowingly
In Ohio, It Is Illegal To Get A Fish Drunk
In Arizona, It's Illegal To Own More Than 2 Dildos
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Funny Craigslist Ad
THIS APPEARED ON CRAIG'S LIST - must read down to the reply...
What am I doing wrong?
Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful
(spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.
I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at
least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind
that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't
think I'm overreaching at all.
Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives?
Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around
200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't
get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was
married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty
as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I
get to her level?
Here are my questions specifically:
- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
restaurants, gyms
-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my
feelings
-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east
side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have
nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop
dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story
there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment
banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they
hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for
MARRIAGE ONLY
Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest
way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front
about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't
able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a
nice home and hearth.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial
interests
PostingID: 432279810
What am I doing wrong?
Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful
(spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.
I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at
least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind
that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't
think I'm overreaching at all.
Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives?
Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around
200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't
get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was
married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty
as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I
get to her level?
Here are my questions specifically:
- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
restaurants, gyms
-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my
feelings
-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east
side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have
nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop
dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story
there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment
banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they
hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for
MARRIAGE ONLY
Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest
way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front
about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't
able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a
nice home and hearth.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial
interests
PostingID: 432279810
THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your
bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I
see it.
Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple
a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what
you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I
bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my
money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't
be getting any more beautiful!
So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty
hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins
in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!
So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a
buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business
sense to 'buy you' (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case
you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were
to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's
as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.
Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets.
So, I wonder why a girl as 'articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful'
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to
believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K
hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.
By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then
we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.
With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic 'pump and dump.' I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of
lease, let me know.
Dear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your
bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I
see it.
Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple
a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what
you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I
bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my
money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't
be getting any more beautiful!
So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty
hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins
in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!
So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a
buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business
sense to 'buy you' (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case
you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were
to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's
as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.
Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets.
So, I wonder why a girl as 'articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful'
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to
believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K
hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.
By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then
we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.
With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic 'pump and dump.' I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of
lease, let me know.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
**5 Minute Management Course**
**5 Minute Management Course**
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders, in time you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident..
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory..'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
-sent via email--
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)