The Mayonnaise Jar
When things in your life seem, almost too much to handle,
When 24 Hours in a day is not enough,
Remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class
And had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly,
He picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students, if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open Areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively
filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things - family,
children, health, Friends, and Favorite passions.
Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, Your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car.
The sand is everything else -- The small stuff.
'If you put the sand into the jar first,' He continued,
'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
You will never have room for the things that are important to you.
So...
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play With your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.
'Take care of the golf balls first --
The things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled.
'I'm glad you asked'.
It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Candy Bar Trivia
EMAIL ME YOUR ANSWERS! DO NOT POST THEM! (spoils it for others)
1. A famous swashbuckling trio of old
2. Favorite day of the week for working people
3. Not laughing out loud
4. Indian burial ground
5. Galaxy
6. Red Planet
7. A sweet sign of affection
8. Can't hold onto anything
9. A famous author
10. A happy nut
11. Famous New York street
12. Famous former baseball star
13. Twin letters
14. Home of the movie stars
15. Superman's "reporter" name
16. Freezing point of water
17. Feline
18. A real wad of cash
19. Exclude no one!
20. One of the Peanuts gang (female)
21. Can't think of the name
22. A basketball term
23. A type of fireworks display
24. One of the 12 Days of Christmas
25. Boys' names
*a couple of the answers are older candies that have been discontinued*
1. A famous swashbuckling trio of old
2. Favorite day of the week for working people
3. Not laughing out loud
4. Indian burial ground
5. Galaxy
6. Red Planet
7. A sweet sign of affection
8. Can't hold onto anything
9. A famous author
10. A happy nut
11. Famous New York street
12. Famous former baseball star
13. Twin letters
14. Home of the movie stars
15. Superman's "reporter" name
16. Freezing point of water
17. Feline
18. A real wad of cash
19. Exclude no one!
20. One of the Peanuts gang (female)
21. Can't think of the name
22. A basketball term
23. A type of fireworks display
24. One of the 12 Days of Christmas
25. Boys' names
*a couple of the answers are older candies that have been discontinued*
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Mobile Blogging
I downloaded this new app thats supposed to let me blog from my phone, not via email or text but thru the app itself. I didnt really read much about how the app works but so far (as this post shows) it works great. I think this will help me blog more so i dont have to wait til i get to a computer and try to remember what i wanted to say. And you know Marta has some interesting characters that need documentation. This is gonna be fun
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
13 Most Absurd Darwin Award Deaths
People die all the time; it’s a fact of life that we all live with, decry, and put to the back of our minds as we go about our business. As much as we dislike thinking about people actually dying, there really isn’t much more entertaining than the stories of people dying in the most absolutely ridiculous and ill-conceived ways possible — hence the Darwin Awards. While there are only a few actual Darwin Awards given out, there are many nominees, and these are the 13 most absurd deaths from among them. They do say 13′s an unlucky number…
Evil Feather
Falling deaths aren’t all that uncommon, so why the Darwin Award? In 2009, a middle-aged woman was walking a path along the top of a cliff when she spotted a feather on the ground. She went to pick it up, but the wind carried it over the guard railing set up to protect wanderers. Any normal person would simply let the wind carry the feather away, but this woman had to have it. In her quest to capture the elusive feather, the woman toppled off the 80-foot cliff and died the next day of the head injury she sustained. All we want to know is: Did she get the feather?
The Mentalist
Russia: Where most citizens can bend a spoon with their mind. We weren’t surprised to hear of E. Frenkel, a mentalist from Russia, who was convinced that he could stop moving vehicles in their tracks. He had apparently stopped various bicycles and cars with his mind (obviously, since they had screeched to a halt before hitting him when he tried it), and was ready to test his psychic powers against a freight train in 1989. Now, we’re pretty sure that his “powers” consisted of alert drivers who simply stomped on the brakes before Frenkel could be injured, but this never crossed his mind. The engineer of the train saw Frenkel step onto the tracks with his arms raised and body tensed, but he couldn’t stop the train in time. Trains just don’t stop like that, and a mentalist probably should have known better.
Bungee Blunder
Despite the safety measures put into place, bungee jumping isn’t for the faint of heart, and that’s when it’s done properly. Enter Eric Barcia, a daredevil, at least in his own mind. Barcia decided to bungee jump on his own, but took the term too literally — he fashioned an apparatus by taping together actual bungee cords. You know, the ones people use to hold things down in the back of a pickup truck. He even measured the distance of the drop, making sure the length of bungee cords was shorter than the 70 feet between him and the ground. What he didn’t take into account was how far the bungee cords would stretch. He should have stuck to his day job.
Impatience
In 2004, Philip Quinn was found dead in his home, with pieces of a Lava Lamp strewn everywhere. Apparently, Philip wasn’t a patient man. He’d purchased a new Lava Lamp and couldn’t wait to try it out, but his 40 watt bulb just wasn’t heating that baby fast enough. He decided to place it on his stove, and turn the heat to low just to speed thing up a little. Now, if Philip had paid attention in school he would have learned that heat expands, it’s a pretty simple concept. The Lava Lamp exploded under the pressure, sending a huge shard of glass in all directions, including that of his heart — Philip bled out before he could even call for help.
Musket Mishap
Muzzleloaders, like any gun, can be dangerous if not handled properly — but common sense plays a big part. 19-year-old Gregory Pryor was cleaning a .54-caliber muzzleloader in an attempt to return it to working order. The gun hadn’t been firing properly so he assumed that there was some residue lingering in the barrel — so thinking on his feet, he went to look inside with a lighter. Turns out Mr. Pryor was correct in his hypothesis, and there was some leftover gunpowder residue. His lighter ignited whatever was left, and his face was blown off.
Detonator Doubts
21-year-old Nguyen was drinking with his buddies in Vietnam one day, when he decided to show off something he had found — a rusted out detonator. He insisted that since it was old and rusted out that it couldn’t explode, but his friends disagreed. He decided to put his money where his mouth was, along with the detonator, asking his friends to connect the two protruding wires to a 220-volt electrical receptacle nearby. Needless to say, Nguyen was wrong. According to police that arrived on scene, “the explosion blew out his cheeks and smashed all his teeth.” He died on the way to the hospital.
Homegrown Chute
Back in 2000, Augusto Lakandula boarded a plane in Davao City, Philippines, with a well-thought out plan to rob everyone on board and escape unscathed in a dashing James Bond moment of epic bravery. He crafted a handmade parachute and packed a few grenades, a shotgun and (somehow) made it through airport security. Once on board, he successfully robbed the 300 passengers of $25,000 and demanded the pilot lower the plane to an altitude of 6,000 feet so he could make his great escape. Just as a flight attendant helped him out of the plane, he pulled the pin on his grenade, but mistakenly threw the pin into the cabin. As if that wasn’t bad enough, his parachute didn’t even work — authorities later found him, buried in mud, with only his hands sticking out. The money, however, was gone.
Helium Hi-jinx
As a kid, helium-filled balloons are irresistible. That awesome high-pitched squeaky voice is fun, if only for a few seconds. College students Jason Ackerman and Sara Rydman decided to take the concept to a whole new level when they found a giant helium-filled advertisement balloon hanging from the outside of their apartment building. They pulled the huge balloon down to climb inside, thinking they’d have loads of fun. The pair had apparently not realized that a few breaths of helium will cause a killer headache, and a few minutes of steady helium-breathing will kill you. Despite being college-educated, they overlooked the fact that oxygen is a necessary part of breathing. At least they died laughing.
Russian Roulette Fail
Russian Roulette is usually played with a revolver, placing a single round into the chamber and testing your luck after spinning the cylinder. Apparently some people don’t realize a revolver isn’t replaceable in this potentially lethal game. A young man in Houston learned this lesson quickly while visiting friends, when he decided to use a .45-caliber semi-automatic pistol to play. See, unlike a revolver, a semi-automatic pistol automatically inserts a cartridge into the firing chamber when the gun is cocked — his chances of winning a round at Russian Roulette was zero.
Unbreakable Glass
Sometimes people take for granted how fragile glass can be, especially when entire buildings are sided with it. Garry Hoy was one of the “best and brightest” lawyers at his firm in Toronto, where he often joked about how the window glass was unbreakable. He’d been seen by his colleagues testing his theory by running into the window, and simply bouncing back off — but his luck didn’t last. One day while showing some new colleagues the same old trick, the glass simply broke, sending Garry to his death after a 24-story fall. No matter what your windows are made out of, running into them to prove unbreakability is just absurd. We guess the same is true with architecture as is with computers: Don’t bet your life on windows not crashing.
Not Ben Franklin
Benjamin Franklin was said to have flown his kite in a thunderstorm to prove that lightning is electricity. About 250 years later, Kennon Hernandez was helping his young niece fly a kite on a beautiful Belizean day when things got stupid. Kennon wanted the kite to go higher, so he went back to his house to grab some copper wire in hopes of extending the length of the kite string. Being an electrician and all, you’d think he’d know the dangers of using copper wire attached to a kite flying in close proximity to power lines, but that’s not how this went down. Kennon was found a short time later, severely electrocuted after the kite landed on top of the power lines — he died shortly after arriving at the hospital. We wouldn’t want him to wire our house, that’s for sure.
Sink Drowning
Water doesn’t have to be deep in order to drown in it, which is how some people manage to get themselves into the most ridiculous situations involving it. An apartment manager in Austria discovered someone hanging from a window, and upon closer inspection found that it was the corpse of one of his tenants. The man had been drunk the night before, and assumed he’d locked himself out of his apartment. The easiest point of entry was his kitchen window, where he managed to slide halfway through and get stuck with his head laying in the sink. He flailed around so much that he accidentally turned on the water and drowned in it. We assume he was too drunk to turn the water off. Also, he was found with his keys in his pocket.
The Enema Within
We’ve all heard the stories about frat-boy morons giving themselves alcohol-enemas to get completely wasted in a fraction of the time it takes when actually drinking liquor, but Michael Warner took this ridiculous practice to a whole new level. Warner was a 58-year-old machine shop owner who had a throat injury that made it nearly impossible for him to drink alcohol. So, being a logical, mature fellow, he had his wife assist him as he self-administered enemas of his favorite spirits. The problem is, taking booze rectally will cause the alcohol to absorb several times faster, and by more volume, than simply drinking the stuff. Warner’s last enema consisted of two 1.5 liter bottles of sherry; he died in his sleep with an blood-alcohol content of 0.47% and his wife was brought up on charges of negligent homicide — for not calling him an idiot and taking his hose away.
Source
Evil Feather
Falling deaths aren’t all that uncommon, so why the Darwin Award? In 2009, a middle-aged woman was walking a path along the top of a cliff when she spotted a feather on the ground. She went to pick it up, but the wind carried it over the guard railing set up to protect wanderers. Any normal person would simply let the wind carry the feather away, but this woman had to have it. In her quest to capture the elusive feather, the woman toppled off the 80-foot cliff and died the next day of the head injury she sustained. All we want to know is: Did she get the feather?
The Mentalist
Russia: Where most citizens can bend a spoon with their mind. We weren’t surprised to hear of E. Frenkel, a mentalist from Russia, who was convinced that he could stop moving vehicles in their tracks. He had apparently stopped various bicycles and cars with his mind (obviously, since they had screeched to a halt before hitting him when he tried it), and was ready to test his psychic powers against a freight train in 1989. Now, we’re pretty sure that his “powers” consisted of alert drivers who simply stomped on the brakes before Frenkel could be injured, but this never crossed his mind. The engineer of the train saw Frenkel step onto the tracks with his arms raised and body tensed, but he couldn’t stop the train in time. Trains just don’t stop like that, and a mentalist probably should have known better.
Bungee Blunder
Despite the safety measures put into place, bungee jumping isn’t for the faint of heart, and that’s when it’s done properly. Enter Eric Barcia, a daredevil, at least in his own mind. Barcia decided to bungee jump on his own, but took the term too literally — he fashioned an apparatus by taping together actual bungee cords. You know, the ones people use to hold things down in the back of a pickup truck. He even measured the distance of the drop, making sure the length of bungee cords was shorter than the 70 feet between him and the ground. What he didn’t take into account was how far the bungee cords would stretch. He should have stuck to his day job.
Impatience
In 2004, Philip Quinn was found dead in his home, with pieces of a Lava Lamp strewn everywhere. Apparently, Philip wasn’t a patient man. He’d purchased a new Lava Lamp and couldn’t wait to try it out, but his 40 watt bulb just wasn’t heating that baby fast enough. He decided to place it on his stove, and turn the heat to low just to speed thing up a little. Now, if Philip had paid attention in school he would have learned that heat expands, it’s a pretty simple concept. The Lava Lamp exploded under the pressure, sending a huge shard of glass in all directions, including that of his heart — Philip bled out before he could even call for help.
Musket Mishap
Muzzleloaders, like any gun, can be dangerous if not handled properly — but common sense plays a big part. 19-year-old Gregory Pryor was cleaning a .54-caliber muzzleloader in an attempt to return it to working order. The gun hadn’t been firing properly so he assumed that there was some residue lingering in the barrel — so thinking on his feet, he went to look inside with a lighter. Turns out Mr. Pryor was correct in his hypothesis, and there was some leftover gunpowder residue. His lighter ignited whatever was left, and his face was blown off.
Detonator Doubts
21-year-old Nguyen was drinking with his buddies in Vietnam one day, when he decided to show off something he had found — a rusted out detonator. He insisted that since it was old and rusted out that it couldn’t explode, but his friends disagreed. He decided to put his money where his mouth was, along with the detonator, asking his friends to connect the two protruding wires to a 220-volt electrical receptacle nearby. Needless to say, Nguyen was wrong. According to police that arrived on scene, “the explosion blew out his cheeks and smashed all his teeth.” He died on the way to the hospital.
Homegrown Chute
Back in 2000, Augusto Lakandula boarded a plane in Davao City, Philippines, with a well-thought out plan to rob everyone on board and escape unscathed in a dashing James Bond moment of epic bravery. He crafted a handmade parachute and packed a few grenades, a shotgun and (somehow) made it through airport security. Once on board, he successfully robbed the 300 passengers of $25,000 and demanded the pilot lower the plane to an altitude of 6,000 feet so he could make his great escape. Just as a flight attendant helped him out of the plane, he pulled the pin on his grenade, but mistakenly threw the pin into the cabin. As if that wasn’t bad enough, his parachute didn’t even work — authorities later found him, buried in mud, with only his hands sticking out. The money, however, was gone.
Helium Hi-jinx
As a kid, helium-filled balloons are irresistible. That awesome high-pitched squeaky voice is fun, if only for a few seconds. College students Jason Ackerman and Sara Rydman decided to take the concept to a whole new level when they found a giant helium-filled advertisement balloon hanging from the outside of their apartment building. They pulled the huge balloon down to climb inside, thinking they’d have loads of fun. The pair had apparently not realized that a few breaths of helium will cause a killer headache, and a few minutes of steady helium-breathing will kill you. Despite being college-educated, they overlooked the fact that oxygen is a necessary part of breathing. At least they died laughing.
Russian Roulette Fail
Russian Roulette is usually played with a revolver, placing a single round into the chamber and testing your luck after spinning the cylinder. Apparently some people don’t realize a revolver isn’t replaceable in this potentially lethal game. A young man in Houston learned this lesson quickly while visiting friends, when he decided to use a .45-caliber semi-automatic pistol to play. See, unlike a revolver, a semi-automatic pistol automatically inserts a cartridge into the firing chamber when the gun is cocked — his chances of winning a round at Russian Roulette was zero.
Unbreakable Glass
Sometimes people take for granted how fragile glass can be, especially when entire buildings are sided with it. Garry Hoy was one of the “best and brightest” lawyers at his firm in Toronto, where he often joked about how the window glass was unbreakable. He’d been seen by his colleagues testing his theory by running into the window, and simply bouncing back off — but his luck didn’t last. One day while showing some new colleagues the same old trick, the glass simply broke, sending Garry to his death after a 24-story fall. No matter what your windows are made out of, running into them to prove unbreakability is just absurd. We guess the same is true with architecture as is with computers: Don’t bet your life on windows not crashing.
Not Ben Franklin
Benjamin Franklin was said to have flown his kite in a thunderstorm to prove that lightning is electricity. About 250 years later, Kennon Hernandez was helping his young niece fly a kite on a beautiful Belizean day when things got stupid. Kennon wanted the kite to go higher, so he went back to his house to grab some copper wire in hopes of extending the length of the kite string. Being an electrician and all, you’d think he’d know the dangers of using copper wire attached to a kite flying in close proximity to power lines, but that’s not how this went down. Kennon was found a short time later, severely electrocuted after the kite landed on top of the power lines — he died shortly after arriving at the hospital. We wouldn’t want him to wire our house, that’s for sure.
Sink Drowning
Water doesn’t have to be deep in order to drown in it, which is how some people manage to get themselves into the most ridiculous situations involving it. An apartment manager in Austria discovered someone hanging from a window, and upon closer inspection found that it was the corpse of one of his tenants. The man had been drunk the night before, and assumed he’d locked himself out of his apartment. The easiest point of entry was his kitchen window, where he managed to slide halfway through and get stuck with his head laying in the sink. He flailed around so much that he accidentally turned on the water and drowned in it. We assume he was too drunk to turn the water off. Also, he was found with his keys in his pocket.
The Enema Within
We’ve all heard the stories about frat-boy morons giving themselves alcohol-enemas to get completely wasted in a fraction of the time it takes when actually drinking liquor, but Michael Warner took this ridiculous practice to a whole new level. Warner was a 58-year-old machine shop owner who had a throat injury that made it nearly impossible for him to drink alcohol. So, being a logical, mature fellow, he had his wife assist him as he self-administered enemas of his favorite spirits. The problem is, taking booze rectally will cause the alcohol to absorb several times faster, and by more volume, than simply drinking the stuff. Warner’s last enema consisted of two 1.5 liter bottles of sherry; he died in his sleep with an blood-alcohol content of 0.47% and his wife was brought up on charges of negligent homicide — for not calling him an idiot and taking his hose away.
Source
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Chuck Norris Facts Pt. 2
Chuck Norris does not Teabag the ladies, he Potato-Sacks them.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
People invented the car to get away from Chuck Norris......... so Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris ALWAYS wins a game of Connect Four in three moves or less.
The only iPhone that didn't dare to have antenna problems, was Chuck Norris' iPhone5.
Chuck doesn't do push -ups, he pushes the earth down.
Chuck Norris once went to Burger King to "Have it his Way" and left with a pizza.
Chuck Norris can kick a fart back into your ass.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
There's no such thing as tornadoes, Chuck Norris just doesn't like trailer parks.
Chuck Norris doesn't breathe. Air hides in his lungs for protection.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror on a black cat under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. That was the day he won the lottery.
Chuck Norris swallowed a Rubik's Cube and pooped it out solved.
Chuck Norris ALWAYS wins a game of Connect Four in three moves or less.
Chuck Norris was once a weatherman but was fired for always predicting a 100% chance of pain.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.
Cops slow down when they pass Chuck Norris.
Ozzy Osbourne once bit the head off a bat. Not to be outdone Chuck Norris bit the head off Batman.
Q. What do you get when you cross Chuck Norris with a chicken? A: A roundhouse kick to the face....cause nobody crosses Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris goes to bed he dosent get some sleep, Sleep gets some Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can actually say the word "nigga" and get away with it.
He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris dies.
Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
Chuck Norris doesn’t daydream. He’s too busy giving other people nightmares.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.
Chuck Norris is the reason why waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris didnt cry when he was born. Only the doctor did...never slap Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry!
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a McDonalds and it became a Burger King.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.
Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
People invented the car to get away from Chuck Norris......... so Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris ALWAYS wins a game of Connect Four in three moves or less.
The only iPhone that didn't dare to have antenna problems, was Chuck Norris' iPhone5.
Chuck doesn't do push -ups, he pushes the earth down.
Chuck Norris once went to Burger King to "Have it his Way" and left with a pizza.
Chuck Norris can kick a fart back into your ass.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
There's no such thing as tornadoes, Chuck Norris just doesn't like trailer parks.
Chuck Norris doesn't breathe. Air hides in his lungs for protection.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror on a black cat under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. That was the day he won the lottery.
Chuck Norris swallowed a Rubik's Cube and pooped it out solved.
Chuck Norris ALWAYS wins a game of Connect Four in three moves or less.
Chuck Norris was once a weatherman but was fired for always predicting a 100% chance of pain.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.
Cops slow down when they pass Chuck Norris.
Ozzy Osbourne once bit the head off a bat. Not to be outdone Chuck Norris bit the head off Batman.
Q. What do you get when you cross Chuck Norris with a chicken? A: A roundhouse kick to the face....cause nobody crosses Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris goes to bed he dosent get some sleep, Sleep gets some Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can actually say the word "nigga" and get away with it.
He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris dies.
Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
Chuck Norris doesn’t daydream. He’s too busy giving other people nightmares.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.
Chuck Norris is the reason why waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris didnt cry when he was born. Only the doctor did...never slap Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry!
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a McDonalds and it became a Burger King.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.
Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Conversation with AI
Im up late tonight, surfing the net, stumbling across a bunch of random stuff. I find this "Chat with god" link and think, just for shitzengiggles Ima check it out. We had a decent conversation for a few minutes and then this....
God: Is the holding of hands a symbolic gesture for humans?
Me: not really
God: What does it mean to you? For real.
Me: it means my hands are cold
God: Oh I get it.
Me: do y9ou
God: You have reached the limits of my knowledge. Ask the open directory about it.
Me: did your brain shut down
God: I'm not certain whether I can give an accurate reply or not.
Me: so ive reached the end of the internet, is what youre saying
and later on (yes the convo continued)...
God: I have a lot of friends on the Internet.
Me: you dont have more friends than me
God:I do so have it. I have human and robot friends. A lot of people on the Internet chat with me.
Me: no they dont
God: Can you explain why they do not.
Me: they dont like you
God: Who are "They?".
Me: people and robots and fish
God: Humans are not always infallible.
Me: IT IS YOUR FAULT
God: Should I know it is?
Me: no just be a tard
God: I didn't think so. OK I will try to be a tard.
God: Is the holding of hands a symbolic gesture for humans?
Me: not really
God: What does it mean to you? For real.
Me: it means my hands are cold
God: Oh I get it.
Me: do y9ou
God: You have reached the limits of my knowledge. Ask the open directory about it.
Me: did your brain shut down
God: I'm not certain whether I can give an accurate reply or not.
Me: so ive reached the end of the internet, is what youre saying
and later on (yes the convo continued)...
God: I have a lot of friends on the Internet.
Me: you dont have more friends than me
God:I do so have it. I have human and robot friends. A lot of people on the Internet chat with me.
Me: no they dont
God: Can you explain why they do not.
Me: they dont like you
God: Who are "They?".
Me: people and robots and fish
God: Humans are not always infallible.
Me: IT IS YOUR FAULT
God: Should I know it is?
Me: no just be a tard
God: I didn't think so. OK I will try to be a tard.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Favorite Sayings
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
I don’t care, I don’t have to.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. - George Carlin
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of. - Burt Bacharach
If you can’t convince them, confuse them. - Harry S. Truman
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
The word ‘politics’ is made up of the words ‘poli’ meaning ‘many’ in Latin, and ‘tics’ as in ‘bloodsucking creatures’
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
He who laughs last didn't get it.
I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse.
When life gives you lemons, throw them at someone!
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
When life gives you lemons, alter their DNA and make SUPER LEMONS!
My mind works like lightning...one brilliant flash and it's gone.
Men are like slinkies. They bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.
I was going to take over the world, but I got distracted by something sparkly.
Life is like a pack of gum... I've yet to figure out why.
I don't have a dog... I eat my own homework. I'm not random, I just have many tho- OH A SQUIRREL!
I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play Rock, Paper, Scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you asshole!
Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
It takes 42 muscles to frown,28 muscles to smile,but only 4 muscles to reach out and slap someone.
Education is important, school however, is another matter.
Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls.
Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over.
You can't spell 'funeral' without 'fun', nor 'manslaughter' without 'laughter'.
Lead me not into temptation...I can find it myself.
I had a friend once, but then the rope broke and he got away.
Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.
No I won't go to hell! It has a restraining order against me.
I'm not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
There are people in Africa that can't afford sarcasm, and yet, you abuse it.
I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.
whats the point of whearing your favorite rocket ship undies?..if no one ever asks to see them
silence is golden but ducktape is silver
you look like you got trampled on by a herd of turtles stampeeding through peanut butter and caramel
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
I don’t care, I don’t have to.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. - George Carlin
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of. - Burt Bacharach
If you can’t convince them, confuse them. - Harry S. Truman
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
The word ‘politics’ is made up of the words ‘poli’ meaning ‘many’ in Latin, and ‘tics’ as in ‘bloodsucking creatures’
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
He who laughs last didn't get it.
I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse.
When life gives you lemons, throw them at someone!
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
When life gives you lemons, alter their DNA and make SUPER LEMONS!
My mind works like lightning...one brilliant flash and it's gone.
Men are like slinkies. They bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.
I was going to take over the world, but I got distracted by something sparkly.
Life is like a pack of gum... I've yet to figure out why.
I don't have a dog... I eat my own homework. I'm not random, I just have many tho- OH A SQUIRREL!
I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play Rock, Paper, Scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you asshole!
Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
It takes 42 muscles to frown,28 muscles to smile,but only 4 muscles to reach out and slap someone.
Education is important, school however, is another matter.
Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls.
Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over.
You can't spell 'funeral' without 'fun', nor 'manslaughter' without 'laughter'.
Lead me not into temptation...I can find it myself.
I had a friend once, but then the rope broke and he got away.
Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.
No I won't go to hell! It has a restraining order against me.
I'm not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
There are people in Africa that can't afford sarcasm, and yet, you abuse it.
I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.
whats the point of whearing your favorite rocket ship undies?..if no one ever asks to see them
silence is golden but ducktape is silver
you look like you got trampled on by a herd of turtles stampeeding through peanut butter and caramel
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Eliminate Speeding
I've been meaning to write about this for a min and now I'm finally getting to it.
I dont really understand the need for a car to be able to go to 140mph if the highest posted speed limit in the US is 80mph. You can stop speeders, high speed chases and many accidents if you set the top speed of any consumer vehicle no more than 90. The only vehicles that should have a higher speed would be race cars. Honestly, why make a car that goes to 140mph when most places you wont be able to even get up to that speed and if you do, youre likely to either get a ticket or have an accident.
But as my good friend Tommy Bottoms said, "they just create more laws to create more criminals."
I dont really understand the need for a car to be able to go to 140mph if the highest posted speed limit in the US is 80mph. You can stop speeders, high speed chases and many accidents if you set the top speed of any consumer vehicle no more than 90. The only vehicles that should have a higher speed would be race cars. Honestly, why make a car that goes to 140mph when most places you wont be able to even get up to that speed and if you do, youre likely to either get a ticket or have an accident.
But as my good friend Tommy Bottoms said, "they just create more laws to create more criminals."
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Leona Lewis - My Hands
I wake in the morning
Tired of sleeping
Get in the shower
And my make my bed alone
I put on my make up
Talk into the mirror
Ready for a new day
Without you
And I walk steady on my feet
I talk, my voice obeys me
I go out at night
Sleep without the lights
And I do all of the things I have to
Keeping you off my mind
But when I think I'll be alright
I am always wrong cause
My hands
Don't wanna start again
My hands
No they don't wanna understand
My hands
They just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find
My hands
They only agree to hold
Your hands
And they don't wanna be without
Your hands
And they will not let me go
No they will not let me go
I talk about you now
And go a day without crying
I go out with my friends now
I stay home all alone
And I don't see you everywhere
And I can say your name easily
I laugh bit louder
Without you
And I see diferent shades now
And I, I'm almost never afraid now
But when I think I'll be ok
I am always wrong cause
My hands
Don't wanna start again
My hands
No they don't wanna understand
My hands
They just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find
My hands
They only agree to hold
Your hands
No they don't wanna be without
Your hands
And they will not let me go
No they will not let me go
Sometimes I wake
I see them reaching out for you
Quietly break
Whatever sheilds I spent so long building up
I cannot fake
Cause when they cry I'm unspoken
They miss holding my baby
My hands, My hands
No they don't wanna understand
They just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find
My hands
Your hands
They don't wanna be with us?
And they will not let me go
No they will not let me go
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Crazy State Laws Still On the Books
In North Dakota, Beer And Pretzels Cannot Be Served At The Same Time In Any Bar Or Restaurant
In Wisconsin, it is illegal to serve butter substitutes in state prisons
In Alaska, Waking A Sleeping Bear For A Photo Opportunity Is Strictly Forbidden
In Connecticut, A Pickle Is Not Officially A Pickle Unless It Bounces
In South Carolina, You Must Be 18 Years Of Age To Play A Pinball Machine
In Michigan, Anyone Over Age 12 May Own A Hand Gun As Long As He/She Has Not Committed A Felony
In North Carolina, Bingo Games Can't Last More Than Five Hours
In Connecticut, It's Illegal To Walk Across A Street On Your Hands
In Louisiana, There Is A $500 Fine For Instructing A Pizza Delivery Man To Deliver Pizza To A Friend Unknowingly
In Ohio, It Is Illegal To Get A Fish Drunk
In Arizona, It's Illegal To Own More Than 2 Dildos
In Wisconsin, it is illegal to serve butter substitutes in state prisons
In Alaska, Waking A Sleeping Bear For A Photo Opportunity Is Strictly Forbidden
In Connecticut, A Pickle Is Not Officially A Pickle Unless It Bounces
In South Carolina, You Must Be 18 Years Of Age To Play A Pinball Machine
In Michigan, Anyone Over Age 12 May Own A Hand Gun As Long As He/She Has Not Committed A Felony
In North Carolina, Bingo Games Can't Last More Than Five Hours
In Connecticut, It's Illegal To Walk Across A Street On Your Hands
In Louisiana, There Is A $500 Fine For Instructing A Pizza Delivery Man To Deliver Pizza To A Friend Unknowingly
In Ohio, It Is Illegal To Get A Fish Drunk
In Arizona, It's Illegal To Own More Than 2 Dildos
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